Overhyped E36 Craiglist Post

"unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins)" (unclevanos) 09/20/2016 at 23:16 • Filed to: BMW, E36

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22

This person can over-hype more than EA’s Battlefront. Sorry miata guys I’m not affiliated with this owner so don’t rip me a new rear main seal.

The answer is always Miata, except when you want to do things like -

a. Merge easily onto highways
b. Carry more than a backpack
c. Not look like a hairdresser
4. Have sex in the parking lot of Target*

You know it, I know it - RWD is best wheel drive. German Engineering is best engineering. Stick shift is best shift. This thing is a fucking tank that prefers to be sideways. This thing is a Miata that coworkers won’t laugh at. It’s an S2000 but it has a back seat, more torque, those two sexy ass kidney grills and the god damn propeller badge on its nose sniffing its way through traffic both on track and across the Atlantic City Expressway on its way to win Texas Hold ‘em and visit trashy strip clubs.

Wait, this thing has been on legendary tracks like Lime Rock Park, and Watkins Glen? Fuckin-ay, yeah it has been. I already told you, it’s a tank. It has 200k miles on the clock but it wants more. It needs it. It screams for more throttle. Getting me to and from work 100 miles a day isn’t enough, it wants to do it at 95 mph. Pulling onto mainstreet after a pick me up of tacobell at midnight means pulling out ass sideways like this RWD hog is supposed to be slung, with its H&R Springs and Bilstein sport suspension holding steady. No, it won’t crash into curbs** and go viral like Mustangs after Cars and Coffee Jay Leno-type bullshit meet and greets, because this thing came from the factory with independent rear suspension and better weight balance with the battery in the trunk.

Speaking of the IRS, did you see the asking price? For less than your tax return, you could have it all. Controlled countersteering. Automatic windows. A sun roof. General and specific awesomeness. No, this isn’t a new-age yuppy’s BMW with traction control, driven by some fucktard who doesn’t know how to use blinkers and either needs to prove to his daddy that his law degree was worth it or prove to his drug buyers that he’s a legit dealer. This car is

raw
wholesome
magical
TANK

Other perks - 1995 AKA OBDi AKA don’t bother with inspection in NJ because it doesn’t require it. It has A/C that blows ice cold so your girl doesn’t complain in the passenger seat. It has a Borla performance exhaust so don’t have to turn the stereo on. But feel free to turn that Amazon bought head unit on at full volume. It sounds fantastic. It comes with a second set of wheels so you can mount up some snows and cruise past big ass AWD trucks stuck in a snow bank because they don’t understand that all seasons tires are garbage. It has a new alternator, new brake pads and rotors. A push button starter because I was bored a few months ago one Saturday morning. I rebuilt the VTEC (I mean uh, VANOS) recently.

The car was built in the 90s. You’re god damn right it’s got a chip.

This is E36. This is RWD.

*back seat is pretty tight for business time, road head is easier
**if you suck at driving, it certainly could put you into a curb. Don’t suck.


Come pick up your drift rocket .

!!! UNKNOWN CONTENT TYPE !!!

jkm7680 > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) 09/20/2016 at 23:27

4

I hope that comes with a blacklight.

Monkey B > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) 09/20/2016 at 23:59

3

for $2k it’s close enough to me to want it....on the other hand, this guy owns it soooooo.....

Batman the Horse > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) 09/21/2016 at 00:01

2

Yea but that fucked up driving position lmao.

Rustholes-Are-Weight-Reduction > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) 09/21/2016 at 04:15

2

Advertising that a car has been hooned and that freaky things happened in the backseats won’t make me buy it.
If it happened, I don’t want to know it, if it didn’t happen, it’s can be a sales argument.

TysMagic > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) 09/21/2016 at 09:10

0

ehhh there are other e36 and possibly newer options for $2k that I would feel more comfortable with

marcva > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) 09/21/2016 at 09:29

1

South Jersey indeed...selling it to buy a Bitchin’ Camaro? I’m originally from New Jersey and own an e36...I’m so embarrassed.

Chris_K_F drives an FR-Slow > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) 09/21/2016 at 09:39

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Douchey BMW guy Craigslist ad is douchiest Craigslist ad.

Rustholes-Are-Weight-Reduction > marcva 09/21/2016 at 09:43

1

Sorry

unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) > TysMagic 09/21/2016 at 10:28

3

Its a 2k bmw, everything is wrong with it.

AK from the city of Galt CA. > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) 09/21/2016 at 10:45

0

This was by far the best sales pitch for a BMW that I would by and try to use it up drive it like she likes to be driven all the way to San Francisco’s Earthquakes bar for a dri nk on me.

functionoverfashion > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) 09/21/2016 at 10:50

1

200,000....... HARD MILES [read in Mr. Regular voice....]

unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) > functionoverfashion 09/21/2016 at 11:53

1

UGH HARDER THAN RICHARD NIXON DURING WATERGATE (mr. regular voice)

Michael_N > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) 09/21/2016 at 12:03

0

I'd actually say this might be worth looking at, if nothing else it's worth meeting the person who wrote this awesome ad XD

Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) 09/21/2016 at 12:27

0

I didnt know you could get an E36 for that cheap! I mean sure, it has to have some issues and the high mileage, but if it runs that is pretty darn good.

unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) > Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) 09/21/2016 at 12:37

1

I got my 7 for 800 bucks. Nothing is more expensive than a cheap BMW. Inline sixes are very reliable though.

unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) > jkm7680 09/21/2016 at 12:38

2

The interior will look like a Jackson Pollack painting under the black light.

unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) > Rustholes-Are-Weight-Reduction 09/21/2016 at 12:40

1

Its like telling me you drank out of the juice carton with your own mouth are now serving it to me in a glass. Doesn’t make me feel good about it.

unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) > Rustholes-Are-Weight-Reduction 09/21/2016 at 12:41

0

Paging Mr. Ben Rolland Ph.D to the courtesy phone

Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) 09/21/2016 at 13:33

0

This is true. I am extremely naiive when it comes to cars being expensive to maintain. Both my Honda and my Miata have been the cheapest possible vehicles to keep on the road.

unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) > Batman the Horse 09/21/2016 at 14:56

0

Its fucked alright.

CMyers > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) 09/21/2016 at 18:52

0

Nice price... Probably some seriously deferred maintenance going on.

jkm7680 > unclevanos (Ovaltine Jenkins) 09/22/2016 at 18:33

0

ew ew ew ew ew